Me First, Mother Second

I am not a perfect mother. There I said it. In fact sometimes I even question whether I’m any good at all. I’ve sent my daughter to school even though it was closed and I didn’t read the teacher’s note, have forgotten to send snacks for break time, and have even asked her to miss a special class on Saturday because we had already booked tickets to a movie (but she chose school over the movie– which shows maybe I did something right?) The worst part – I don’t even feel guilty, and soon I started feeling guilty for not actually feeling guilty. Then it hit me, so much of our identity as parents, especially a mother’s (both stay at home and working) is tied to our children, we’ve even started using them as excuses, as the measuring scale for our accomplishments and failure as individuals. Sometimes, they are so entwined with our daily existence that we place them at the center of every decision we make. Whether it’s where to work, whether to join that dance class you’ve been dying to go to? Where to go for a holiday (even shopping – will I be able to run after my 3 year old in these shoes? Is this dress pee-resistant? Will this handbag be big enough for 3 diapers, 2 bottles, 3 toys and my car keys?). While these may not be life-changing decisions, I recently made one that changed mine. I left my job in a company where I have spent 6 years. The reason: Work-life balance. At least that’s what I thought. But did I leave because I wasn’t spending time with my daughter or because the time I spent at work was no longer giving me much back in return? The first answer would have been the easiest to explain, the one that no one questions, where our children take the blame (in a way). The second one forces us to question ourselves, and is probably much harder to do. Is my current role pushing me to do my best? Is this really what I want to do with my life? Is there more to life than just being tied to a desk, being on calls, writing emails? Are the incessant, unrealistic deadlines affecting my health? For many working mom’s asking these questions means being selfish and letting the world know that sometimes work-life balance has more do with our lives than that of our children’s. But if you really think about it, our accomplishments as parents are tied to how fulfilled we are as individuals first. I mean it’s logical, everything we are – parent, child, sister, aunt – is just a reflection of who we are, these roles don’t define us, in fact it’s the other way around. I guess once we come to terms with the fact that it’s ok to expect more for ourselves, be a little greedy once in a while, that’s when we can give back even more to our children. And someday when our kids are out of their diapers and on their own, they will appreciate and understand that life turned out great even though they weren’t the center of our universe, and maybe even become stronger because of it. For me, when I get the hugs and kisses “just like that”, when she still wants me to read to her or tuck her into bed just 5 minutes after I screamed at her - I know that she loves me not because I’m the perfect mom, but because I’m just me, imperfections and all.