Letting Go....

It’s the inevitable moment of truth for any parent. It gives you a sense of accomplishment, a sense of pride and strangely enough a sense of sadness. It’s what kids do, and it’s called growing up. From the time they enter your arms at the hospital, to the first words, the first step – they let go at so many points, and it seems they let go so quickly!

I know I’ve felt the most confusing things, the need to laugh, cry, smile, and scream at so many points in the last 5 years. But the emotion that unravels around you when you know they slowly but surely no longer need you, is overwhelming. I felt that a few days ago, fleetingly but deeply. She wanted to sleep in her room on her own. It seemed like a breakthrough initially! But for me the moment of happiness was short lived. There she lay in her room looking like she was asleep, hugging her doll for comfort, not me. Peaceful. Every minute, was a walk down the hall to check if she would wake up, and come running back. Was she feeling cold? Maybe the night light was too bright? Should we leave a light on in the hall way incase she got scared? What if she woke up and forgot where she was? 5 minutes nothing, turned into, 10 minutes not a noise, turned into 15 minutes and she stayed where she was.

I lay in bed thinking, almost crying. It’s that sickening feeling, I know I’ll probably feel many times in the coming years. They are moments of incredible happiness that proves there’s no greater and more challenging job on the planet than bringing up a kid. It’s the time they can eat on their own, take a bath on their own, sleep on their own, read on their own, ride the cycle on their own, and go to school on their own, cross the road on their own. It's what they'll do later like drive on their own, live on their own, make decisions and mistakes on their own. Eventually you realize that each one of these is a sign of them growing up and that you may soon be out of a job. It’s a sign that as much as you‘re not in a hurry for them to grow up, that they are. It’s the fight within you, to make them independent, successful, and confident, but still want them to come back to you. And I just realized that they probably will. Because, as a parent, a dad, a mom you really don’t have the option to retire.

20 minutes later she was standing outside our door. Somewhere inside, I felt happy, and then incredibly stupid for feeling happy. But then I didn’t want her to go back. So we slept through the night, her chubby little hands wrapped around me. Even if it was for a few more days, it felt like having my little baby girl back. So I held tight.

I will let her go eventually, when we’re both ready.